The borders are not clearly defined. We have been at war a long time. The infiltrators tend overwhelmingly to come at night. They prowl. They lurk. They scavenge. Sometimes in groups of five but usually in covert clusters of two or three. They cling to the belief that there is safety in numbers. But I have spotted them alone. They believe this territory belongs to them.
This is not about the oblasts of Dunbas, Luhansk or Zaporizhzhia. It is USA. The perpetrators of these incursions go back a long time with me.
I would have been happy to let them trespass in peace. However, where they go they do so with a heavy presence. I’m speaking of the four-legged masked bandits known as Mapuche in Spanish, which means the one who washes, in Latin – Procyon Lotor, and in English we call these omnivorous raiders…Raccoons.
They tend…operative word here is tend …to be nocturnal. I see them kamikaze down sewer access holes at night. Or more disturbingly around November I hear them under my house making more raccoons. A few months ago one stumbled around near my home frothing at the mouth. Laying on his back in the sun and proclaiming Trump had been cheated in the 2020 election. Okay okay…the last bit isn’t true (by the raccoon or Trump) He, she, or it hung around in a tree for a day and was found expired the next morning at its base.
They are not healthy beasts as they can have rabies and leptospirosis. A few years back a child ingested some raccoon feces in Pacific Grove and lost his sight as a result.
One of my main issues with them is that they leave their nasty disease-ridden deposits all over my yard. I have tried a variety of suggestions to rid myself of them. My favorite one was using mountain lion urine spray in the yard as this supposedly keeps Mapuche at bay. Three things about that.
- Mountain lion urine isn’t cheap.
- How the heck does someone even “get” mountain lion urine? Come here kitty kitty. Can you pee in this test tube for me.
- Pure BS. It doesn’t work. I paid. tried. It doesn’t work.
Nextly (as Trump would say) the furry SOBs ruin gardens and landscaping. They dig up the earth and turf between the ground and fences. And or the soil in boxed areas. What are they looking for? Snails, grubs, and or larva. (How do I know? I see the post-digested after effects of their consumption in their smelly territorial piles.)
Two of them bit my dog and that cost me $435 at the vet. BTW – the bite took a loooong time to heal.
Also, they chewed their way into my shed through tar paper, sheetrock and plywood.
The final straw occurred when I started a cheerful morning drinking coffee in my kitchen beneath my skylight. A shadow passed over my coffee cup. A shadow should not pass over my coffee cup. So, I looked up and I saw that which should not be seen. A raccoon was relieving itself on my nice clean, clear glass skylight. I mean in… the… act. I’m pretty sure it was because the glass was warm and nice and comfy on it’s posterior. Also, because Rocky Raccoon was saying “Hey, buddy screw you and your fake kitty kitty pee.”
To me this was a declaration of total war. But to be honest I have lost this war as not only do I have that terrible visual in my cranium for all eternity. I had to climb up on the roof and clean it.
I’m no fan of Trump but if he could stop this war …I might…just might recommend him for that Nobel Peace Prize he so dearly craves.
Paul Karrer is from Monterey, Calif.